


More Than a Feeling

by thedeadflag



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Online Dating, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-11 20:25:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9015766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedeadflag/pseuds/thedeadflag
Summary: Lexa's roommate Clarke Griffin is dating again.God help the both of them





	1. Chapter 1

"I think I'm gonna try to date again."

Those eight or so words hung in the air as Lexa chomped away on her cinnamon life cereal, jaw sticking in place halfway jutted to the left as she realized with a glance that Clarke was being serious.

She felt fortunate that her mouth was so overfull with cereal that her wince would be taken as difficulty swallowing, not wanting her roommate of seventeen months to feel like she couldn't talk about dating with her. They talked about everything, _of course_ dating would be a topic of discussion eventually, Lexa had just hoped it would stay away a bit longer this time.

Not that she didn't want Clarke to be happy. She loved Clarke.

Maybe a bit more than she _should_ , but she loved her, and if dating could make her happy, then that was for the best, but she remembered the previous two stints on OKCupid. She remembered weeks of heartbreak and wounded hope splattered across Clarke's canvases. She remembered long sleepless nights of covering her listless roommate with blankets and keeping her company until she fell asleep. She remembered the weeks of lost confidence and anxiety and self doubt.

She loved Clarke too much to feel enthused over the prospect of the blonde making another venture into the dating world. Clarke was strong, Clarke was the kind of person to elevate herself, but it didn't change that the woman was vulnerable in the dating world.

Lexa finished swallowing her cereal and placed her spoon down momentarily. "Want me to clear out that email and your account of old messages so you can start fresh?"

"Can you?" Clarke asked, giving her puppy-dog eyes, as if she even needed that kind of manipulation to do her best friend's bidding.

"Of course, Clarke. I suggested it." She answered with a laugh before digging into her cereal again, hoping its delicious cinnamon goodness would overwhelm the bad taste all those previous memories left.

Clarke rounded the table, leaning down to press a kiss to her cereal-full cheek that had her heart feeling like it'd doubled in size, her whole body tingling and warm from the gesture. "You're the best, babe."

She'd probably be sadder about the whole situation if those special bits of affection didn't feel so goddamn nice.

"So you say." Lexa mumbled after swallowing her mouthful, grinning when Clarke just rolled her eyes.

"So I _know_." Clarke shot back, rifling through her bag to make sure she had everything she needed for the day's classes. "And hey, can we order a pizza tonight for dinner? It's been, like, two months. We should get a pizza."

Lexa considered their schedules, slowly nodding as a plan came to fruition in her mind. "I have to drop something off at Anya's when she gets home around five-thirty. Your last class finishes at six, so I can pick up a pizza and get home just around when you'd be getting back from school. That sound good?"

"That sounds perfect, actually. And can we get a..."

"...pepperoni-pineapple?" She interjected, her casual prediction bringing a blush to the blonde's cheeks. It wasn't her first choice of toppings, preferring a top quality cheese pizza any day of the week, but it was tasty enough, and it was Clarke's favourite. It was one of a few things she had difficulty contesting the blonde on. "Of course, Clarke."

"Did you ever know that you're my herooooo..." Clarke sang as she slung her bag over her shoulder. "But seriously, I'm making a mental note of this moment. I'm etching this favor into my brain, and one day..."

"Clarke, it's not a big deal." Lexa let out with a sigh as she scooped up more cereal.

"... _one day_...without warning, you'll find yourself presented with something you didn't even know you were craving, and you will know that the debt is paid." Clarke continued, ignoring her utter apathy at the notion of being paid back. Friends helped each other out. Friends compromised with each other. She was just being a good friend.

"Face it, you just wanted to make a dramatic statement. _'The debt is paid'_...really? You've been watching too much Game of Thrones, Clarke." Lexa let out before chomping down on another spoonful of her cereal.

Clarke just laughed as she made her way to the door. "Maybe I'm dramatic for saying it, but you're a nerd for knowing it." The blonde said with a playful grin that had Lexa feeling thankful she was seated. "Gotta catch the bus, I'll see you tonight! Have a great day!"

Lexa waved goodbye, watching Clarke rush out the door. She didn't need to look at the clock on the oven to know Clarke would be on the verge of being late for the bus, as usual.

She finished her cereal and rinsed the bowl out in the sink before setting it in the dishwasher, movements all slow and deliberate.  She had plenty of time in the day for anything she needed to do, but every minute wasted was a minute more she'd have to spend on her project. One more minute spent living in an apartment that only had functional heating some of the time, and the further they got into winter, the more annoying that reality got.

Lexa shook her head, tossing aside fantasies of the future for the moment, deciding to get Clarke's OKCupid updates done before getting back to work on her project.

The future could wait five minutes.

* * *

 

"I've made a huge mistake." Clarke muttered to herself as she walked up to her apartment building after a long, disappointing night. Honestly, if she could go back in time and smack herself upside the head for trying to date again, she would, because three weeks in and it was just as bad as she remembered it being.

Dozens of messages of hers not gaining any response. A good hundred or so messages from chasers sexually harassing her. Two dozen short messaging sessions only for the other parties to fuck up in a major way in terms of her dealbreakers. Another two dozen or so where she tried disclosing early on, only to earn radio silence or rejection for it.

And then the dates. Honestly, Clarke knew she deserved better, but the world apparently just wasn't well equipped to provide that.

She trudged her way up to the third floor and let herself into their apartment, slumping from exhaustion against the closed door. It took a handful of seconds for her to hear Lexa's cautious footsteps from the direction of the kitchen.

"So...no celebration tonight?" Her roommate asked cautiously, holding up a tub of her favourite peanut butter cup ice cream.

Clarke shook her head and let it fall back, impacting with a loud thud against the door. "Cis people are the _worst_." She groaned, tossing off her ear muffs and mittens.

By the time she'd stripped away her winter wear, Lexa was right there with her favourite blanket, wrapping it around her shoulders and leading her to their cramped living room. "We really are." Lexa agreed as she settled Clarke down onto the couch. "Want ice cream, or maybe something warmer to fight the chill?"

"I think I have a frozen cinnamon bun or two in the freezer?" Clarke answered, hoping it wouldn't be too much trouble. Lexa was always so busy, and she felt guilty enough pulling the woman away from her projects because of her dating woes.

"Sit tight, Clarke. I'll be back in a bit with them." Lexa called out as she made her way back to the kitchen.

Honestly, after such a frustrating evening, all she wanted was the cuddle up on the couch and watch Netflix. If she had to do it alone, then so be it, turning on the TV and going to Netflix's UI. After the night she'd had, the last thing she wanted was anything romantic or funny, so she tossed on Mad Max: Fury Road, and settled in for a cozy few hours, hoping to end the night on a high note.

Lexa was back before she realized much time had passed, two hot cinnamon buns covered in icing being placed down on the coffee table in front of her. "There we go. Do you mind if I join you?"

Clarke probably looked at her roommate like she had two heads, knowing Lexa had a deadline coming up, and apparently still a lot of work left to be done. "You're not too busy?"

"Not for _you_ , Clarke. Dating is difficult and...if you need to vent about it, I'm here. If you just need a silent companion, I'm here. Okay?" Lexa asked as she settled in directly beside her, immediately warming Clarke's body despite the thick blanket barrier.

Lexa had always been untouchable, out of bounds. Not only was her roommate far too busy for relationships, she was also one of her best friend's sisters. Anya had made her swear to only pursue a friendship with her, and Clarke had kept to that promise.

And really, it was for the best. Having a stable, understanding, caring friendship like the one she had with Lexa was more important than ever. Besides, it wasn't like Lexa wouldn't start dating once her big project completed and she finally had spare time on her hands for the first time in years. And it wasn't like Lexa would look in-house, so to speak. No point in trying for a friend who had shown no romantic interest in her across all the time they'd known each other, and there was always the probability that Anya had gone and made Lexa promise the same thing she had.

Decision made, Clarke halfway unwrapped herself in the blanket and picked up one of the sweet treats. "Dating's _terrible_."

"I'm sorry to hear it." Lexa added softly, snuggling up against her when Clarke lifted her arm and gestured her close. Maybe talking about her past few weeks would help, and having Lexa cuddled up close could only make that a more pleasant process.

"Like, why do people have to be such jerks? Sure, I get that online dating's kind of a big gross tar pit with a lot of people looking for the lowest common denominator in a partner for a hook-up or whatever, but...there have to be more decent people out there, _right_?" Clarke asked, more rhetorical than anything, because she did have hope, even against the wealth of personal experience that pointed to a different conclusion. "I've even been more selective this time around. More careful.  I thought they were interesting enough and that maybe we could work out."

Lexa's arm snaked behind her back, pulling her closer by the waist. "What happened?"

Clarke took a bite of her cinnamon bun first, if not to be able to enjoy it while it was still hot, then to at least have something sweet to fight the sour experiences she'd had lately. "So I started off with men, because there's _so many_ of them, and I wanted to get my feet wet. I screened them, talked to them, asked some important questions, and everything seemed good for this one dude, Roan." She started off, taking a second bite of the bun as she shook off the disappointment of their third date last week. "And he was a perfect gentleman the first date. Second date, we got to know each other better, and aside from some minor flaws I'm thinking it could work out. He was gentle with me. Sweet. Wasn't afraid to be affectionate with me in public, and I liked that."

"You deserve that much, Clarke. Anyone would be lucky to be with you." Lexa reassured, and while those words did warm her heart, it had her feeling a little blue that real life didn't seem to match up to it.

 _After all, if people would be lucky to date me, then why did basically everyone find reasons to reject me?_ She mused to herself, shaking those thoughts away as she finished her cinnamon bun. "Well, he gave that impression when he was with me, which sort of had me suspicious in the first date despite how good it felt, but I get online dating's tough for guys, and maybe he was just happy that someone was up for a date with him, because that tone kind of mellowed out in the second and third dates."

"Makes sense. Guys apparently get, like, hundreds of rejections for every actual date, so I can see that, I guess." Lexa agreed with a slow nod.

"Anyways, third date, we finish up a really nice dinner, and like...I went by the signals he was giving and went all out with lingerie and stuff. He was totally cool with me being trans when I told him on the second date, so I figured maybe it's a bit fast, but I'm flexible with how the night would end, you know? And so he invites me over, and I accept. Everything's going well, and he's a great kisser, and we get up to his door, and...like, it's hot and heavy by then, and he's fumbling for the doorknob, and my hands are roaming, and..." Clarke continued, letting her voice trail off, hoping it wasn't too much detail, but Lexa did say she could vent.

"And what?" Lexa prodded, brushing a stray lock of hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear. It was the small things like that. It was so hard not to melt when Lexa could touch her so simply like that and reduce her to a puddle.

"And...and he just grit out in my ear that he couldn't wait for me to fuck him in the ass. And like, he'd been forward with his affection and his touching, but like...we hadn't talked about sex and boundaries yet, not explicitly. So I figured, you know, _fuck_. I can't exactly _do_ that, I've been on HRT for eons, and even if I wasn't dysphoric about getting erect, it'd take a medical miracle for me to actually get one with everything I'm on." Clarke explained, drawing an easy nod from Lexa, who had probably heard a few similar stories the last few times she'd tried dating, so thankfully she didn't have to go into any deeper explanation or anything.

"So you slowed things down." Lexa stated, easily predicting the turn of events that led to the end of that date.

Clarke sighed and leaned into her roommate. "I did. I told him that I'd be happy to fuck him in the ass, but I'd need the help of a strap-on or something like that, because I couldn't do it _au natural_." She continued, swallowing hard at the memory of pure revulsion on his face. "He stepped away, looked at me like I'd just vomited on his shoes, and offhandedly said _'well, this has been a waste, then'_ , and just stepped into his apartment and shut the door."

"Oh, Clarke..." Lexa murmured, pulling her into a tight hug, hand cradling her head against Lexa's shoulder. "He's a prime grade motherfucker. You dodged a bullet, as painful as that might have been."

"Yeah, I mean, he was a _chaser_...and _fuck_ if I hate that they're getting smarter about duping us, but like...I was stupid enough to get my hopes up." Clarke admitted, eyes squeezing shut as Lexa's lips pressed against her temple, trying to contain her emotions. Sometimes she wished she could just be cynical and practical but she'd always dreamed too big.

"You weren't _stupid_. Believing in the goodness of people isn't stupid, Clarke. It's what makes you _you_." Lexa added, pressing another kiss to her temple, and while she wanted to just sit there and soak that all in, she knew it'd be dangerous to let herself play into that fantasy.

"Well honestly, I still kind of wish I didn't, because it happened again. I've been seeing this woman...chatting online, meeting up for coffee between classes, and we went on our first _real_ date on Tuesday. Well today was our second, and...I mean, she wasn't looking for anything super serious, but I figured that maybe I could be okay with that. Get back in the saddle with something more casual and all." Clarke said, taking hold of the second cinnamon bun and biting a huge chunk out of it.

Lexa's hand around her waist started gently rubbing and stroking there and it took all the strength she could muster to hold back her moan at the feeling. "There's nothing wrong with casual relationships. You don't have to justify your choices to me, Clarke."

And maybe that was the reassurance she needed to keep going instead of devouring the cinnamon bun and silently waiting for the Earth to swallow her up out of embarrassment of talking about sex again. "Well, anyways, Niylah was playful. And kept checking with me for what I wanted to do when we were out together, so she seemed safer. Not as likely to just grab me and tell me to do something I wasn't into, you know?"

"I do. Sadly, consent is rarely valued these days, but it's nice to hear this Niylah was good in that regard." Lexa acknowledged, reminding Clarke of their first few weeks living together, and how Lexa would always ask her permission to touch her in various places, to use certain words around her, to enter her room, to use something of hers, or whatever. Consent was huge to Lexa, one of the many reasons she loved the brunette.

"Well, it turns out she wasn't doing that out of interest in _consent_. I guess she expected that, as a trans woman, I'd take the lead, I'd take the initiative. That it was, like...my _duty_ , or something. I didn't quite catch on until we went back to her place after the second date and she expected me to be some dominant masculine pseudo-woman like she reads about online in some ‘ _girl-peen_ ’ fetish stories, and to fuck her like I was some cis dude porn actor. As if I was Christian Grey in a woman suit. And like, whatever, we talked things out, and she was really disappointed, but still wanted to give it a shot ' _vanilla-style_ '. And I mean, maybe my self-esteem was sub-zero, so maybe it was pathetic of me, but I got her off with my hands and mouth, and she tried to muff me for a few minutes before giving up and calling it a night." Clarke explained, letting out a heavy sigh as she sunk into Lexa's frame.

"And it's not like women chasers aren't a thing, because she _totally_ was one, and it's not like I'd go on another date with her or that she'd ever want one with me, but it's just...why the _fuck_ does everything have to come down to my genitals and how much of a _cis_ _male porn star_ I'm willing to be for my partners? Why can't they just take me as I am?" Clarke finished, voice cracking and splintering near the end there, which is where she'd usually get up and retreat to her room to do some painting, but Lexa's arms held firm, not letting her budge an inch.

"I know this will sound cliché as heck but you are incredible just as you are, and they're too blinded by bullshit to notice. That's on _them_ , not on _you_ , Clarke. You're so worthy of love...I promise that there are people out there who would see you for you." Lexa promised, and damn it if her eyes didn't well up with tears at her words, wishing that someone could be Lexa, wishing she could just kiss her.

Instead, it wasn't the case. It would never be the case.

"I really hope so." She let out quietly, gently pulling herself out of Lexa's arms after a few glorious seconds. "Anyway, enough with the negativity. Night's not ruined yet. Imperator Furiosa won't let me down."

With that, she started the film over and settled into the corner of the couch against the armrest, unable to fight a smile when Lexa shifted the few inches to curl up with her.

"Mind if I sit in? I could use a break from the project anyways, and I've missed our movie nights." Lexa asked, as if Clarke could ever say no to her company, especially after the day she'd had.

"Of course, babe. I've missed our movie nights, too." Clarke said, wrapping an arm around her roommate and pulling her closer, heart stuttering when Lexa hugged her arm and rested that beautiful head on her shoulder.

They remained there holding each other as the story of Fury Road unraveled before them. All warm and content with Lexa cuddled up with her, she fought to stay awake, but didn't manage to catch the end credits.

* * *

 

Lexa knew two things as she stirred from slumber, slowly reaching towards consciousness. The first was that she was not on her bed. Whatever she was resting on was much softer, had more give, and the pillow she was using was textured where her own was smooth with a satin case. The second thing she noticed was the scent of fresh chocolate.

"Whuh?" Lexa let out as she rolled onto her side and willed her eyes to open, squinting at the sunlight gleaming in through the window. It must have been well into the morning, maybe even close to noon. For a moment, she allowed herself to be utterly baffled at having fallen asleep on the couch for so long, but then she remembered.

Clarke coming home and opening up to her. Clarke seeking comfort. Almost making a total ass out of herself on numerous occasions. Accidentally being a little too open, herself. Cozying up with Clarke and watching Mad Max with her. Falling asleep in Clarke's arms.

"Clarke?" She called out, wondering if the blonde was still around.

"Just a sec! Stay put, babe!"  Clarke answered from the kitchen, letting her know she at least had a few seconds to prepare herself. Something broke inside of her last night, hearing Clarke talk about her experiences, and while it'd been all fine and good to feel an unrestrained love for her friend then, it was another matter having to deal with that lack of restraint in the days to come.

She'd done so well keeping a hold of her feelings for Clarke and not overstepping any boundaries, and she feared that with the slightest push, she could find herself on her knees, bowing before her and pledging fealty to her, or some sort of ridiculously dramatic romantic custom.

Clarke strolled into the living room singing some vaguely familiar tune, setting down their large breakfast tray onto the coffee table. As soon as she could focus her eyes enough to actually believe what she was seeing, Lexa practically threw herself at Clarke, pulling her into a hug.

"How did you...why did...these take _forever_ , Clarke." Lexa sputtered when she pulled back, feeling more flustered as Clarke's smile grew, because damn it, her heart could not handle this! The girl she was in love with had spent at least five hours baking her favourite treat, and then more time making breakfast for the both of them.

To say Lexa was having trouble finding words would be an understatement, given it was Clarke who had experienced heartbreak the previous night. It was Clarke who deserved to be treated and doted on.

"Last night meant a lot to me." Clarke noted quietly, offering a simple shrug, as if any of that sufficed as an explanation.

"Clarke, I...you're my best friend. Of course I'll be there for you. You don't need to pay me back for something like that." Lexa stated, stumbling a bit as she dragged the l-word away from her vocabulary for a few seconds to keep from making a fool of herself.

Clarke just shook her head. "It's not that. It's just...you're _you_. And I just needed you to know how much you mean to me, and when I woke up early, and you were out like a light...I wanted to do something nice for you. Maybe I don't have to pay you back for last night, but you stepped up for me. And you've been grinding yourself to the bone over your project for the past few months, and you've barely come up for air or to have something special."

Lexa let the tired gears in her mind work away at the fact that Clarke woke early and the first thought her roommate had was to treat her to her favourite homemade cookie recipe that Anya would make for her when they were growing up. Only ever once a year, too, which made it even more special, and ever since Anya had moved away for work, that tradition had fallen by the wayside a bit.

So Clarke spending hours slaving over some damn cookies simply because they were special to Lexa, reminding her of her cousin and making her feel so completely loved and cared for and _home_?

Maybe she teared up a tiny bit.

"You're too good to me." She mumbled into Clarke's shoulder, just wanting to embrace the blonde, hold her close, take in as much of her goodness as possible while she could.

"As if that's possible, babe. C'mon, let's eat up." Clarke countered, pressing a light kiss to her cheek and plopping down on the couch beside her.

Maybe that kiss had her face burning up a little bit. Maybe it had her deeply wishing that Clarke would kiss her somewhere else. It was too dangerous a fantasy just yet, though, so she tried to focus on humour. Laughter could never hurt.

“So, I take it _the debt is paid_ now, Clarke?” Lexa asked, bringing out a bit of theatricality in her impression of Cersei Lannister.

Clarke’s laughter was abrupt, quickly bubbling into a string of giggles. “I didn’t even think of that, but yeah, absolutely, you nerd.” Clarke shot back, bringing a forkful of French toast to her mouth.

Lexa took a steadying breath and decided to dig in, sating her hunger first before she’d have to make a very difficult phone-call to Anya. There was only so much that she could take, and once her project was finally completed, there would be no easy way to avoid her feelings for her roommate. She’d have to renegotiate her pact with Anya, at the very least, and then see whether or not she could have a future with Clarke.

She could only hope that she wasn’t making a huge mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a two-shot, probably? I’m a sucker for roommate love stories, and friends to lovers, and this is the holiday season, so those kind of positive vibes really should be spreading around. Add to that a desire to boost trans representation, and you’ve got this ficlet. We’ll be seeing and hearing about more of Clarke’s dating adventures next time around, too, for sure  
> Anywho, happy holidays, I hope you enjoyed!


	2. Chapter 2

Anya was enjoying a perfectly quiet evening, savoring a plate of chicken parmigiana and a glass of wine after a long day at work, when her phone vibrated from a new text.

She held her breath as she brought her phone out, her suspicions confirmed quickly at the sight of Lexa's name on the screen. Usually, her sister called her or visited, but across the past two weeks, Lexa had taken to sending her nebulous and vague texts that never really had anything to do with anything.

Clearly, it was a lead-up to something, but it wasn't like Lexa to beat around the bush.

**Lexa**   
_So when I finish my work, I'm thinking about hosting a party to celebrate. Maybe I can grab your recipe book for inspiration?_

Anya frowned, knowing she'd given Lexa an exact copy of her recipe book last year. She even knew it was in the top cupboard to the left of the oven with the other three recipe books. Whatever Lexa's problem was, it needed to end.

**Anya**   
_Tell me what your problem is or I'll release that video of you after you'd gotten your wisdom teeth out. I'll put it all over social media._

Lexa's response was predictably swift.

**Lexa**   
_Let's not be hasty here_

**Anya**   
_You know I make good on my promises. Here, or via call, or come over, but you have to tell me. Stop delaying._

Anya stared down at the three dots and sighed as seconds turned into minutes. "Damn it. I should probably finish this quick instead of savoring it." She said, letting out a heavy sigh. Blitzing through a tasty meal was always depressing.

Ten minutes and one delicious meal later, those three dots finally disappeared.

**Lexa**   
_Can I Skype you in a bit?_

Anya rolled her eyes, wondering when 'a bit' would be, knowing it could be thirty seconds from then, or thirty minutes, or an hour.

**Anya  
** _Unless I tell you otherwise, I'll be online and ready to go, just start one up when you're ready._

She didn't mean to be short, but she'd rushed a dinner and now had to hang out on her laptop instead of, say, enjoying a relaxing bath. Whatever was troubling her sister, she hoped she could help, and that maybe at the end of Lexa's big job that her sister would be able to visit.

Anya was just settling in on the couch with a blanket and her laptop when her phone buzzed again. Confused, she held it up, curious at the fact that Clarke was texting her instead of calling as per usual. When she opened the text, she felt a rush of adrenaline at the simple, succinct message

**Clarke**   
_S.O.S!_

Anya swallowed the rock-like tension in her throat and checked the time, knowing it'd take probably an hour minimum to get to her friend. Whatever the emergency, she wasn't in a position to do much about it in person with Baltimore an hour's drive away.

**Anya**   
_?_

Thankfully, just as she'd sent her response, another text from Clarke rolled in, immediately easing some of her worries.

**Clarke**   
_my date is the worst I need advice_

**Clarke**   
_he called me the best of both worlds four times already in the last hour_

Anya frowned, having heard about Clarke dating again, but thought that eventually she'd find someone good. Four weeks in and she was still struggling to find someone reasonable. Her heart honestly hurt at the thought of someone fetishizing her closest friend.

**Anya**   
_You know the drill, dear. Tell me his name and I can make him disappear if you like_

**Clarke**   
_you're funny but maybe i will take you up on that one day_

**Clarke**   
_i'm hiding out in the washroom and this guy thought I was going to adjust my tuck._

**Clarke**   
_like what? he legitimately said 'guess you don't want the beast to get unleashed' and he groped my butt on the way past him._

**Clarke** _  
I thought bi men would be better than this_

Anya grimaced at the details, wishing she was closer to Clarke so that she could pick her up and drive her home. And then potentially take care of the suitor permanently. Whoever her date was, he sounded terrible, but she could hardly take care of him personally, at least not within the next ten or fifteen minutes. However, while the number of favours she'd stockpiled was slightly limited, all she'd need to do was make a single phone call. One call and he'd never bother anyone again.

Maybe that was a little drastic given the circumstances, but if it'd make Clarke feel better and safer, then she absolutely would.

**Anya**   
_Please tell me his name_

**Clarke**   
_you're ridiculous_

**Anya**   
_And you deserve so much better than him. Is there no one else you've looked into and wanted to date that seemed good?_

It was definitely a major concern, if Anya was being honest with herself. She wanted all her friends and family to be happy and loved to the fullest extent, and the last time Clarke had gone on an extended dating spree, she'd been kept up at night at the thought of Clarke getting hurt, or being harassed and subjected to horrible people. She'd already lost more sleep lately than she had in months.

She just wanted her friend to be happy.

**Clarke**   
_well there is this one amazing woman but she's off the market so here I am_

Anya sighed, knowing that disappointment well. She'd crushed hard on a number of people over the years, and they always happened to be in long-term relationships, the definition of unavailable. It wasn't until she found Raven recently that she stopped thinking she led a cursed love life.

**Anya**   
_It's always hard when the people we're attracted to are taken. I'm sorry to hear that_

**Clarke**   
_she's single. she's just not someone i can swing_

**Clarke**   
_besides i'm pretty sure she's not even into me_

The lack of confidence emanating from Clarke's words was distressing, and after evidence of terrible dating luck, Anya just wanted her friend to have better fortune.

**Anya**   
_I doubt that. You're incredible, Clarke. The only reason you couldn't 'swing' someone is if they weren't into women, or were transphobes. I doubt someone you like could be the latter_

**Clarke**   
_she's great honestly and definitely into women_

**Clarke**   
_it's just she's entirely unattainable and there are people who don't think it'd be right_

Anya shook her head in disbelief, wondering why Clarke was fighting this so much. If she had a wonderful person in her life that she wanted to date, there was no reason not to go for it. Not if it meant Clarke could find greater happiness with this person.

**Anya**   
_I want you to listen to me. You are a catch. You are beautiful and intelligent, and amazing. No one is out of your 'league', and no one who is supposedly great and accepting and single and into women is unattainable unless they explicitly tell you themselves_

**Anya** _  
I don't care what anyone says. If you like her, if she makes you happy, then that's what matters. If someone other than her tells you that you have no chance with her, that it would be wrong for you two to be together then fuck them. Go for it._

**Anya**   
_Give me the address of the restaurant. Nyko's still in Baltimore I'll have him pick you up. And then you are going to brainstorm date ideas for winning over this unattainable wonder, okay? I could even come over and help, maybe make a night of it?_

Sure, it'd make for a hellishly early morning the next day, but in the months she'd been working in DC, she hadn't used a single sick day, so maybe she could relax a bit, team up with Clarke, give Lexa a visit and make breakfast for the duo. Anya sent off a quick text to Nyko and felt a rush of relief wash over her when he replied almost right away letting her know he was free and willing to take a photo of Clarke's current date.

Once the details were set, she returned to Clarke's messages, just in time for a new one to pop in.

**Clarke**   
_i'd really love that if you can make it. i know your work is important though_

**Anya**   
_No more important than you, dear. Nyko will text you when he arrives. I'll bring wine and pick up donuts on the way_

**Clarke**   
_u the real mvp_

**Clarke**   
_seriously though i love you and can't wait to see you. i know lexa will be over the moon_

That reminded her she still had Lexa's Skype call to wait for. Not wanting to delay the trip to help Clarke, she'd have to push the issue a bit and figure out what was going on sooner than later.

**Anya**   
_I love you too, Clarke. See you soon_

Satisfied that she at least had a handle on that situation for the moment, Anya shifted focus to her laptop, opening her Skype app and checking if Lexa was online. Once she saw her sister was, she immediately started up a call.

It took twelve long seconds, but eventually Lexa's face popped up on her screen, all worried eyes and cautious posture.

"Anya? What's...is something wrong?" Lexa asked carefully, already looking on the defense.

And maybe Anya could have spent some lengthy time with Lexa patiently working out whatever it was that was bothering her, but she was feeling a little sappy after her messages with Clarke, and decided to at least set the stage so that if she had to cut the call short, she could pick up where she left off when she got to Baltimore.

"Lexa, I love you. You're my sister, and if there's anything troubling you, I need you to know I'm here to help. That you can always come to me, because I'll always support you, no matter what. Okay, love?" Anya let out, blinking away the rising emotion in her eyes, or at least trying to.

Lexa's gaze shifted off-screen, her sister swallowing hard once, twice, before taking in a deep, steady breath and sharply exhaling it. "I'm in love with Clarke."

Anya could only stare as Lexa seemed to brace for the impact of some rebuke, but all Anya could do was just blink in confusion over how utterly anticlimactic the statement was. Two weeks of beating around the bush to tell her something she pretty much already knew? Strange.

"Of course you are. You've been sweet on her for ages." Anya noted softly, just trying to keep her response simple in hopes Lexa could explain why that in particular troubled her.

"You _knew_?" Lexa asked, face contorting in her own sad confusion.

Anya shook her head, wondering when Lexa would realize that she knew Lexa about as well as the woman herself did. "I suspected for a long time, but I've known you've liked her for...well, months. What's so troubling about loving Clarke?"

Lexa's lips rolled into her mouth, face tensing in frustration. "You...you specifically told me not to date her. And it's so hard when she's out there going on dates and getting hurt, and I just want to...I want to love her. And you made me promise not to. You're not upset?"

She had to think all the way back to when she'd moved out of her and Lexa's place and had Clarke fill her spot. It'd been a long time, but she could still remember it like yesterday. And perhaps some of her wording had been vague, but Anya thought she'd been clear enough.

"Why would I be upset that my baby sister's in love with my best friend? Lexa, love, I'm sorry if I misled you. When you looked at her the way you did back then, I did get a little protective, but I do recall telling you _'Lexa, don't even think about getting all up on her...I can't find you another quality roommate if you hook up with her and everything falls apart. My best friend is off limits for that'_. I meant that I didn't want you two to shack up and jump into a sexual relationship right off the bat. I didn't mean to make you feel like I didn't want you to love her if it came to that." Anya explained, relief flooding her as she watched the confusion fade away across Lexa's face.

"So...you're okay if I see about dating Clarke when my compression software's finished?" Lexa asked, all wide eyed and hopeful.

Anya nodded, grinning when Lexa melted at the sight. "I'm going to come over tonight. In part to help Clarke with something, and in part to talk to you about this, okay? I'm bringing donuts."

Lexa gasped. "From the place with the..."

"...cookies and cream donuts you love so much. I'll bring your favourites so long as they're in stock." Anya interjected, knowing her sister deserved a treat after so much hard work over the past year and a bit. "I should head out now, but I'll see you soon, love."

"I love you too. Drive safe!" Lexa countered with a grin before ending the call, leaving her to pack a few things in her overnight bag.

Anya had a good feeling that she could definitely help foster something wonderful between her two favourite women, now that she thought about Clarke's messages again. Time would tell, but she was hopeful.

* * *

"Stop giving me that look, Nyko." Clarke stated, eyebrows raised expectantly as her driver rolled his eyes. "I'm serious. Not cool!"

"I didn't say anything." Nyko responded with his typical calm tone, even if his lips curled up ever so slightly at the edges.

"You don't have to. I can tell you were thinking _'Him? The guy who went for an ass grab after you told him you were bailing? The guy who told you your plastic surgeon's fantastic? That guy?'_ I'm not having it, Nyko. I've had a hard enough night as is." Clarke ranted, not appreciating that slightly patronizing look he tended to give her whenever she made bad decisions. Getting too drunk and waking with a hangover, fine, but not after a terrible horrible no-good very bad date.

As Nyko slowed to a stop at an intersection, he looked over his shoulder and fixed her with a confused stare. "You went on for a week about how much you loved that doc of yours. Brassard, was it?"

"That's beside the point! You can't give me that look when you didn't have any better ideas." Clarke argued, watching Nyko's face twist in thought, the man seemingly so close to conceding that point before a flash of excitement came across his features.

"Logan!"

"The Logan who couldn't leave our Fourth of July party fast enough once Anya tried wingwomaning me with him? The one who, when Anya asked him about that later on, said he's not into _guys_? The same Logan who Anya has blacklisted from every event she's held since then? That Logan?" Clarke asked, not really taking pleasure in how increasingly sheepish and apologetic Nyko appeared with each question, even if she was happy her point was coming across.

"Suddenly, the last few months make a lot more sense, now." Nyko noted, shaking his head as he turned back towards the road. "I'm sorry. I just know you deserve better than whoever that shit stain was."

Clarke sunk back into her seat, a tired sigh escaping that couldn't nearly expunge her long history with disappointment in dating. "Yeah, well, deserve's got nothing to do with it. Not a lot of people in the world equipped to handle this." Clarke countered, hands quickly gesturing to her body. "Lots that can call me the right pronouns, or accept I'm a woman on some small surface level out of politeness, but past that? Not a lot of ones who really get it. So I'm left with the unwashed masses of chasers and transphobes clogging up my dating pool, making it harder to find the decent ones. Means I strike out a lot."

"Well, I hope you find the kind of person you're looking for soon." Nyko added, turning left through the intersection towards her place.

As dangerous as the thought was, Clarke held hope that she'd already found that person. She was banking on Anya keeping her word and dismissing her past decree that she not get involved with Lexa.

Maybe it was a risk, but it was a calculated one, and she really only had a few days left to figure out a plan of action, since Lexa's program would be finished sometime Friday. If she was going to try and see if she could have something with Lexa, there'd only be a brief window before Lexa was back on the market and swept up by some girl of her dreams.

Clarke was under no illusion that she was the girl of anyone's dreams, but she had heart, and was more than willing to put in the work that a loving relationship required. Maybe that wasn't much for some, but with her last month of dating failures stacking up, she was willing to toss a hail mary pass at Lexa and see what would come of it.

Having Anya's help? Would only boost her odds.

"Thanks. I'd like to think my luck's about to change."

* * *

Lexa was on cloud nine, spinning in her computer chair, knees tucked into her torso, knowing the wide smile on her face would make her face hurt for the next hour, but she couldn't help but celebrate.

Anya, it turned out, wasn't upset at her confession of loving Clarke. Hell, Anya was happy. Elated, even.

That meant when her final version of her program was done, she could focus on her heart again for the first time in years. And maybe, if she was lucky, Clarke would feel the same way.

Nothing was a sure thing, of course, but Lexa knew she had to take the risk. She had to see if it would be possible, and she felt like with Anya on her side, she had a fighting chance.

All she had to do was make it through the rest of the week. Well, that and figure out some plan on how to woo Clarke Griffin.

She was just thinking up potential spots out on the town when she heard the door to the apartment unlock. Lexa looked at the time on her desktop and frowned, knowing it'd been less than two hours since Clarke had left on her latest date.

Lexa stopped her spinning and got to her feet, taking a moment to shake off her dizziness before venturing to her bedroom door and peeking out of it. "Clarke?"

"Hey, babe." Clarke called out from the entrance, Lexa hearing the sound of Clarke stripping off her boots and coat from across the apartment. "I miss anything while I was out?"

Lexa wasn't quite sure how to peg the tone in Clarke's voice, so out of pure curiosity she made her way out of her room and to the kitchen, figuring maybe her roommate could use some food or a drink. "You know nothing exciting happens here when you're gone."

"Well that's not entirely true. There was that time when you left the window open because you wanted to smell the rain while you worked, and a pair of angry crows flew in and fought all over the living room." Clarke shot back, reminding Lexa of that unfortunate and slightly embarrassing moment.

She'd made a frantic call to Clarke's phone in the midst of the birds making a mess of their living room furniture, asking that her roommate come home and help her evacuate the birds. It wasn't her proudest moment.

"Let's just forget that ever happened." Lexa noted, earning an amused nod from the blonde.

"Kind of like I'm going to forget the last two hours ever happened. I could use a long, hot shower...if Anya gets here before I'm finished, then can you make sure there's a donut or two left over for me?" Clarke asked, immediately returning Lexa's focus towards wondering what exactly Anya wanted to help Clarke with.

That was, after all, what Anya had said. Yet, outside of the usual paintings, Lexa wasn't aware of Clarke having any other projects on the go. _Maybe if it's something long-term, I can help when I finish mine...that could be fun..._

"Of course, Clarke." Lexa answered, waving Clarke off as the blonde headed into her own bedroom, signal enough for Lexa to return to her work and ensure everything was on schedule. The last thing she needed was a hiccup that could delay its completion.

There was too much riding on this.

* * *

There was a certain sense of comfort in walking up the stairs to her old apartment. Not just in knowing Lexa and Clarke were inside waiting for her, but all the memories flooding at the edge of her mind as she approached the apartment, their warmth and joy bringing a smile to her face. All the late night study sessions with her sister, all the shared mishaps in the kitchen that led to experimenting with new take-out places, all the mornings she'd lure Lexa out of bed and on schedule with a forehead kiss and waffles. All the holidays, and birthdays, and celebrations, and all those simple moments of just sharing each other's quiet company.

Her memories wrapped around her mind like a blanket, and it had Anya feeling so warm and excited as she quietly let herself in, immediately noticing that no one was around. At least, not in the living room or kitchen.

She could hear the bathroom vent fan spinning, telling her that Clarke had probably showered, leaving Lexa to likely be in her room as usual. Anya carefully set one box down on the kitchen counter before heading down to hall to Lexa's room, not bothering to knock before slipping in.

A laugh escaped her at Lexa nearly falling off her chair, knowing startling her sister never got old. "Oh, don't give me that scowl, I come bearing gifts."

As soon as she pushed the box of donuts in Lexa's direction, her sister's facial expression morphed from annoyance to utter unrestrained glee. "Did you get the ones I like?"

Anya rolled her eyes and opened the lid, revealing the half dozen cookies and cream donuts. All the ones the shop had in stock. "See for yourself."

"Six?!" Lexa practically shouted, jumping out of her chair and rushing over to get a better look. "It's a Christmas miracle!"

"Christmas was _two months ago_ , but okay. I just know you've worked so hard these past few years, and you deserve something good, little one. This can tide you over until you finish your work and go after what your heart desires." Anya explained, watching Lexa grab up one of her precious donuts and take a small bite out of it, practically melting on the spot from how Lexa's knees halfway buckled for a moment. Her sister always did love to savor her treats.

"Mmmph!" Lexa hummed, giving a second thought to speaking with her mouth full as she held up a finger, slowly swallowing her bite. "Speaking of, you came over to help Clarke?"

Anya knew Lexa would have brought it up eventually, but had hoped that it was a conversation they could have later in the night. Still, there was no time like the present. "Nuh uh, love. You have your own important work to focus on."

She knew her word choice was horrible the moment they spilled from her mouth, and Lexa's wide green eyes let her know it didn't slip past her sister. "So it's important? Can I help? I want to help."

Anya set the box of donuts down on Lexa's computer desk and placed both hands on her sister's shoulders, settling her with a firm stare. "You listen to me, little one. You need to finish up your work first. Not just to finish your contract and get enough coin to get a place with working heat, but to be able to put the moves on our favorite artistic blonde."

Lexa's face scrunched up slightly, eyebrows rising towards her hairline. "The _moves_?" Lexa asked with overwhelming skepticism, her sister's eyes losing more and more of their shine as seconds passed, but Anya had faith.

"You're my sister. The apple couldn't have fallen far from the tree. I know you've got it inside you." Anya insisted, leaning her head to the side to follow her sister's trailing gaze, fighting the urge to hug Lexa and sooth whatever worries that had her frowning. "Hey, I'm serious. She won't know what hit her. And when the time is right, I'll even help you. Hell, I'll bring you in on Clarke's project, too, but only when you're finished your program. The sooner you get that out of the way, the sooner your future can begin."

With a few select words, the light was back in Lexa's eyes, as if it had never faded. "Clarke would let me help her?"

She couldn't quite keep from rolling her eyes again at how utterly ignorant Lexa was to how Clarke saw her. "Of course she would, she trusts you. She _adores_ you." Anya asserted, a thrill of hope rushing through her at the sheer relief flooding across her sister's features. "I can take care of her for now. I can help her with it. But I know her first choice would be you...so get that program done, love. Though absolutely make the most of your breaks...remind her that she's important to you, that you love spending time with her. You have to make that clear, little one. You can't be stuck in your head."

"That makes sense...thank you, Anya, you're a life saver. But...when I finish, I'd been thinking about hosting a celebration, but maybe I should pare that down a little?" Lexa asked, earning an immediate nod. A party would be fun, but it could happen later.

" _Definitely_. If you're going to finish up on, say, Friday...as you believe you will...maybe set Saturday aside, spend the day out and about with Clarke? I'm sure if she has plans, she'd cancel them." Anya suggested, adoring how Lexa's face lit up with excitement at the prospect.

"She loves going out during the day! I should look up good places to go during my breaks." Lexa said, smile growing brighter and brighter by the moment.

Anya pulled Lexa closer, tilting her head up to press a kiss to her sister's forehead. "Sounds like you've got it all under control. I'll let you get back to it, but I'll check in later, little one. Enjoy your treats."

"Thank you so much for this." Lexa murmured, pulling Anya into a rib-straining hug.

"You know I'd move heaven and Earth to make you happy. You're my sister." Anya noted, pressing one last kiss to Lexa's temple before pulling away. "See you soon, love."

Not wanting to delay her sister any longer, Anya made a relatively quick exit, heading down the hall to predictably find Clarke hovering over the second box of donuts. "I see you've found our snacks for the night."

Clarke spun on her heel, mouth full of donut, breaking out into a smile that was thankfully closed-mouth until she managed to swallow her food. "Anya!" Clarke cheered, rushing to her and throwing both arms around her neck for a snug embrace. "You're the best! You brought all my favourites!"

"Some of those are for me, too, you know. Though I'll leave you most of the raspberry cassis and spicy pineapple ones, I know you love them." Anya let out, squeezing Clarke back and taking in her best friend's citrusy scent. It was a good sign. Clarke only used her satsuma stuff when she was in a good mood. "Feeling better after your shower?"

"Much." Clarke noted as she pulled back, shooting Anya a soft smile. "Thanks for coming. I could really use the company tonight."

"You're my best friend, you don't need to thank me for making you a priority. I love you." Anya insisted, grabbing the box of donuts and tugging Clarke into the living room. "Besides, if you plan to woo my sister, I might be able to help."

Clarke fell backwards onto the couch, mouth gaping and her blue eyes bulging out in shock. "You...how did...I don't understand..."

"Please. Not hard to put two and two together. Since when do you listen to anyone who tells you not to go after someone you like? I could only think of one case." Anya explained, maybe not telling the entire truth, but that wasn't important. What was important was how Clarke's body went slack, a giddy grin spreading across her cheeks. "Yes, I totally think you have a chance. And yes, I would love for you two to be an item. I didn't want you two hooking up out of lust, but love? The real deal? I could never deny you that."

Clarke sat up, reached out her arm, and tugged Anya down onto the couch beside her. "So you're on board? Even though it's your sister you'd be helping me get with? Should I censor myself?"

"Well, I don't need explicit details on what you think of Lexa, I just know my sister very well and can help on that front." Anya stated, wanting to make it clear that she'd be more useful in planning than in hearing Clarke gush about Lexa for hours on end, even if it probably would be amusing an endearing, if slightly awkward.

"Right. Like, I've never seen her in a relationship. I don't even know if I'm her type." Clarke let out, shoulders slumping a little as she sank into the couch.

Anya brought a hand up to Clarke's cheek, turning her friend's gaze to her. "I can help you with _that_ , love." She promised, shooting her best friend her best reassuring smile, because there was literally nothing to worry about.

Maybe she was having a little fun, knowing the two lovesick ladies were entirely past being smitten with each other. Maybe she wanted to make the most of her opportunity.

"She's never shown interest in me before. Are you sure...are you sure I'm enough for her?" Clarke asked, the trepidation and worry in her best friend's voice sending daggers through her chest with how painful it was to hear it. She blamed the world for largely being comprised of idiots and assholes, and hopes Lexa would bring happiness to her favourite blonde.

"You have more than enough here..." Anya answered, tapping a finger at Clarke's temple before moving her hand down to rest over her friend's heart. "...and _here_. You are so smart, and creative, and thoughtful, and you love so fully and relentlessly. She'd be a fool not to love you for that alone. But it also turns out that she's a bit of a cleavage connoisseur, so there's no harm using that to your advantage."

Clarke turned as red as a tomato, but the excited smile spreading on her lips was as good as gold in Anya's mind. "And I think I know just the way to do that..." She added, a few ideas coming to mind.

Once upon a time, Lexa used Raven as a conduit to fluster her and frustrate her. Sure, it led to their ongoing relationship, but maybe it was high time Lexa got her fair share of karma for her trickery. Besides, she needed to make sure the two lovebirds could communicate well on what mattered, no matter the situation, and she had a good way to test that out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this story got a lot longer than expected as some ideas popped up, so I wrote this bit to kind of establish the groundwork for the next part.
> 
> Hope you're enjoying it so far!


	3. Chapter 3

_"You need to know two things about Lexa, if you don't know them already. The first is that it can be hard to get her attention when she's this deep in her work mindset. When everything around her is the same, day in and day out for months, years, everything except the code and those new challenges, it's easier for a lot of things to fade into the background a bit, to lose focus. So surprise her. Start with something unexpected and force her to see you."_

_"The second is that touch is irresistible to her. She's spent the last two and a half years mostly in her room, working on that program of hers. She doesn't get out often, she doesn't see people often. She isn't touched often, and she cherishes it. Easiest way into her heart is to get close to her, and even though she'll be busy these next few days, those free moments away from her work? Make them count."_

* * *

Clarke let out a heavy breath as she stepped back into her apartment, knowing the last few hours of planning with Anya led up to this. It'd been all excitement and anticipation and reassurances up until then, but as she leaned against the entrance, without Anya there to be her safety net, Clarke wondered if she could pull their plan off.

It was elegant in its simplicity, at least aside from one particularly specific thing she'd have to handle tomorrow. All she had to do was make sure Lexa noticed her, and make sure that most times Lexa left her room, that she got within touching distance.

Of course, she'd seen Lexa get flustered in the past, she'd seen how quickly the girl tended to escape to her room, to the familiar, so she had to be ready for that as well, just in case.

All that was left to do was prep her surprise. Her absurdly expensive surprise that Anya had shelled out for as Lexa's early birthday gift. It hadn't been Clarke's first time lingerie shopping, but she'd always frequented more affordable outlets, like Victoria's Secret. Clarke wasn't sure, knowing what she knew now, that she'd ever step into Agent Provocateur again, prices being what they were, but she sure as hell hoped Lexa would appreciate her haul.

"Just stick with the plan...stick with the plan..." She mumbled to herself as she carried her bags into her bedroom and shut the door, practically setting the timer for some reaction from Lexa, knowing her roommate always found time to greet her when she returned, even if it might take her a minute or two to tear herself away from work to do so.

Clarke quickly rushed towards her dresser, tossing off article after article of clothing, knowing she'd be pressed for time. A good first impression was important, to set the tone for the next few days. She had to get it right; just in case Lexa didn't see her 'that way', she had to ensure that she'd have the best chance at changing that for the better.

She was just tying her kimono up when she heard Lexa's door open. "Clarke? How'd the trip to the park go?"

Clarke checked herself in the mirror, making sure there weren't any snags in her stay-ups, ensuring that those cleavage enhancing straps were showing in the deep V the kimono left open on display. Her bra wasn't new, wanting to spread her haul out over the coming days, but she hoped the total package would catch Lexa's eye.

"It went well! Weather was nice out, and we had a good talk..." Clarke started, carefully making her way out of her bedroom, eyes fixated on Lexa as her roommate staggered back into her own closed bedroom door, hand scrabbling backward for purchase against the trim as wide forest green eyes took in her figure, contrasting sharply with the rosy red of Lexa's cheeks. "...and uh...is it...it's not too much, is it?"

She couldn't honestly tell by Lexa's expression whether the woman was shocked in a good way, or just mortified in the worst of ways, and Lexa's mute gaping didn't give her any answers, green eyes burning into her own with an unreadable expression.

"It's just...I know I shouldn't let it get to me. I knew what I was signing up for with the dating, but I just...it's hard. When you're rejected so often, so out of hand, and sometimes so just...horribly..." Clarke began, perhaps playing up some of her feelings over the past few weeks, but it wasn't as if she was lying. All the dating mishaps at caused a few direct hits to her self-esteem. She'd needed a boost, and while this was also to help her reel Lexa in, there was definitely a component of the experience earlier that morning with Anya that was all about bringing back her confidence. Not that Anya had needed to do anything aside from give her a pep talk, but making sure they handpicked only the articles that make Clarke feel prettiest, that helped.

"Clarke..." Her name was rough and strained as it scraped its way out of Lexa, as if it'd crawled through a desert and just reached an oasis.

It was a good sign, maybe. "I didn't feel confident anymore. I didn't feel desirable, or pretty, and I know that's not a real important thing in the grand scheme of things, but...I needed to get that back. Because I know, somewhere in me, that I am. Not the idea others put on me, not the fantasies people inherit from porn, but me...the _real_ me is desirable. And that part of me's a little busted up right now, so I'm gonna do my best over the next few days to remind myself, and I just...it's not too much, is it?"

As she asked her question, she crossed the narrow distance between them, resting a palm at Lexa's collarbone, refusing to break her roommate's gaze as she stepped into her personal space, close enough to share breath. She could taste the sharp cinnamon of Lexa's favourite gum in the air.

"No..." It took a moment for Lexa's answer to register, barely louder than any of the shallow breaths Lexa was letting out with Clarke's fingers gently rubbing at her shoulder, even at that distance. She could feel Lexa swallow once, twice, beneath the pad of her thumb. "Clarke, you're beautiful. If I have to tell you fifty times a day for you to remember that fact, I will."

Clarke let out a sigh of relief at the utter resolve behind Lexa's words, pulling her crush into an embrace, feeling like her gambit just might pay off after all. "Thank you. You're really sweet, babe." She murmured, angling her head to press a chaste kiss to Lexa's cheek that maybe lingered a half second longer than usual. "I know you're super busy, but like, even if you just pop by for a second between washroom breaks, to say hi...it'd make my day."

She could feel Lexa's arms hovering an inch from her body, ready to wrap her up but hesitating for whatever reason. For a moment, Clarke worried that she'd been too forward, that she'd misread her roommate, but then those arms jolted into motion, one pulling her tightly along the small of her back, the other lifting up to cradle her head.

The first thought that crossed Clarke's mind was that it'd been a long time since she'd been held like that, in an embrace that could have easily been described as possessive. It stole the air from her lungs as she sunk further into Lexa, who only held tighter, nose inhaling her scent in a move that wasn't entirely discreet.

"I swear, Clarke. Whatever it takes." Lexa murmured, head tilting, nose brushing against her cheek. Clarke braced herself for one of Lexa's exceptionally rare kisses, but then her roommate's arms were gone, and Lexa was backing up into her door again. "I, uh...I need to get back to work. But I promise I'll check up on you, Clarke."

Clarke would be lying if she said she wasn't a little disappointed, but she knew she had to keep it up, keep working at it bit by bit. She'd definitely made Lexa notice her, at least, even if everything else from the green-eyed beauty could have just been friendly commentary. "Good afternoon, Lexa."

Lexa blushed and opened the door to her room halfway stepping in as she peered over her shoulder. "Good afternoon, Clarke."

She watched the door close, ending the first of what she hoped would be many opportunities.

Clarke immediately returned to her room and got to work on planning out the rest of her day, hoping to find more creative ways of catching Lexa's eye.

* * *

Lexa was a hundred percent certain she was going to die.

It was a double bind. Stay in her room and die of thirst, or leave her room, encounter Clarke, and die of thirst.

There was no way around it, and she cursed Anya for taking Clarke lingerie shopping, even if the whole trip warmed her heart to know Anya was watching out for Clarke like that. She'd had inklings that Clarke had felt down after some of her worse-than-average dates, but hearing Clarke talk about herself as if she could doubt she was a beautiful, desirable woman?

It was heart-wrenching. It was devastating.

It only spurred her on to finish her work faster so that she could just dedicate the next months to ensuring Clarke felt loved and desired every day.

Still, it left her with a few more days of trying to survive her encounters with Clarke, encounters that were absolutely necessary because she'd promised. She'd promised to check up on her, to spend the slivers of her free time with Clarke.

It wasn't as if she feared or dreaded spending time with her best friend. She was just certain that eventually, she'd have a heart attack or do something so mortifying that she'd die of pure humiliation. Her roommate's robe left little to the imagination, a sheer pattern at the bottom hem revealing enough to seize Lexa's heart each time she got a passingly clear look. And Lexa was certain that whatever bra Clarke wore should be classified as a weapon of mass destruction.

Between the first time with the hug and the near-kiss, and the following three brief breaks that each nearly ended in catastrophe, Lexa wasn't sure she'd survive the night. She could hear something coming from the living room, Clarke probably watching a movie on Netflix.

Maybe she could sneak out and take a brief break on her own. Maybe Clarke wouldn't notice.

It wasn't usually like this. She loved that Clarke was reclaiming her desirability in whichever way worked for her, but Lexa had already found Clarke plenty desirable when she staggered around the apartment half awake in her sweat pants and loose tees. Clarke had always dressed on the modest side of things, but with her good earth cleavage on full display for the first time for any prolonged period, Lexa needed time to adjust. Time she just did not have a lot of.

Lexa stared at her computer screen, knowing she could take a brief bathroom break and then hang around in her room during the much longer break she'd have at her disposal while it compiled the newest build. It'd at least give her an excuse to get back to it if Clarke did catch her.

Mind made up, she got up out of her chair and quietly padded over to the bedroom door. Channeling her sneakiest self from her childhood, Lexa made her way down the short hall and into the wonderfully aromatic kitchen, peeking out to find Clarke watching some sci-fi show or movie, thankfully oblivious to her presence for the moment.

She carried on carefully to the washroom and left the door ajar, knowing its click was more than a little obnoxiously loud and would draw attention. As she relieved herself and quietly washed up, she could hear movement outside, in and around the kitchen, forcing her to wait until she figured Clarke had returned to the living room again. It was a bit of a delay, but Lexa hoped it was worth it.

Leaving the bathroom to find Clarke standing a few feet away with a sly grin and sparkling sapphire eyes was not what she had planned, but hell if it wasn't hard not to enjoy the sight of her best friend waiting with a plate of food in hand. Roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, and roasted brussels sprouts; that Clarke had prepared one of her favourites for her only endeared her that much more to the woman.

"You haven't eaten since I got back from this morning's outing. Your body has needs, Lexa...you have to pay attention to them sometimes." Clarke asserted softly, arms outstretched in offering the plate to her.

Honestly, she was too focused for a moment on the notion of 'bodily needs' to react, knowing that succumbing to her need to kiss Clarke and hold her close would only make the next few days unbearable. However, she really was hungry, so she accepted the plate with a thankful smile, hoping Clarke couldn't see how her hands were trembling. "You're too good to me, Clarke."

"Mmmn, nope, nowhere near enough." Clarke disagreed, the mix of that low, smoky tone of voice and the hand gently grazing down her arm completely overriding her senses for a brief moment or three. "Could you maybe have time for a dinner break? I already ate, but I kept yours warm in the oven, and I thought maybe you could take a work break, and I could take a study break?" The blonde added stepping up to Lexa's side, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.

It was all too much, too dangerous, even if she yearned to toss herself into Clarke's world and go for broke. She needed to finish her program. Once it was done, she'd have all the time in the world for Clarke and to try and start a relationship together, all the focus Clarke could ever need from her, all the money needed to find a better home for them.  
Clarke deserved to have every ounce of her, every shred of her attention and focus. Until she could offer that, she wasn't sure she could be comfortable even probing at starting something.

"I've made up a lot of ground today. At this rate, I might finish early on Friday. I don't think I have time, Clarke, I apologize." Lexa offered, hating herself for the brief flicker of disappointment across Clarke's face.

The moment her lips started curling into a frown, Clarke's hand was cupping her cheek, thumb smoothing out her lips. "Hey, now, babe. Don't feel bad, I know how hard you've worked, how much this means to you. I can manage an evening alone."

"I promise, when I'm done...when I finish it, I want to celebrate together." Lexa spoke, not quite able to contain the words bouncing around in her head, but if anything, Clarke seemed more than pleased about her wish.

"Together sounds good to me." Clarke shot back, thumb applying delightful pressure as she stroked Lexa's cheek. "I should let you get back to it, and let you eat before it goes cold."

Lexa nodded, but as Clarke stepped away, she was suddenly aware that the temperature in the apartment was lower than usual. The heat must have been on the fritz again. "What if _you_ get cold?"

Clarke peered over her shoulder and grinned as she made her way back to the living room. "Well, if _you're_ not here to keep me warm and cozy, I guess your favourite blanket will have to do." The blonde retorted, cheekily holding up the blanket Clarke had clearly just recently stolen from her bedroom. The blanket she used in bed as insulation in the winter months.

She couldn't fight her frown this time, worried Clarke had made a regrettable decision. "It probably stinks, I don't think I've washed it in a week."

Undeterred, Clarke wrapped the big, fuzzy faux fur throw around her and brought some up to her face to smell, letting out a hum so saturated with pure satisfaction that Lexa immediately felt arousal pooling in her core. " _Au contraire_ , _ma chérie._ It smells heavenly _."_

Lexa hoped the quiet whimper that escaped her hadn't been audible as she rushed off to her bedroom, knowing she had to lock herself in before she did something stupid. There was something entirely too dangerously alluring about Clarke decked out in beautiful lingerie and gaining some sense of pleasure from being wrapped up in her natural aroma. Not to mention she had a particular weakness for when Clarke spoke French, even if she didn't understand the words.

Still, as she plopped down on her computer chair and saw two of Clarke's blankets haphazardly tossed onto her bed? Maybe she felt a little comfort in that, even if she knew it'd be one hell of a long night.

At least she still had two donuts left, and a wonderful dinner. Food could comfort her tonight.

* * *

Four and a half hours of sleep wasn't ideal, Lexa knew. She could feel the full-body ache from her lack of sleep, the barely deniable draw to get back into bed and sleep the day away as she staggered towards her bedroom door. It was only the thought that she had one more day of this that propelled her onward.

Wednesday had been immensely productive. With Clarke away most of the day at classes, she'd had ample opportunity to focus on work without distraction, even if Clarke had curled up by the space heater in her underwear to read a book for most of that evening. The new more exposed Clarke was already hard enough to adjust to; Clarke wearing her glasses for once instead of her contacts was just too much for her libido to handle in anything but the briefest of instances. Which, in turn led to more avoiding her, and more glimpses of disappointment on Clarke's face that she internally vowed to heal soon enough.

If she kept on track, though, she was set to finish sometime in the early morning on Friday, meaning she just had one full day left to go. It was that reassuring and comforting thought that filled her mind as she shambled out into the rest of the apartment, the scent of blueberry waffles and fresh fruit filling the air.

"Mmmmh, smells good." She mumbled as she walked through the kitchen in a sleepy haze en route to the bathroom.

"You know it, babe." Clarke laughed, stabbing a chunk of peach with a fork and blindly reaching it over her shoulder, directly level with Lexa's face.

She took the peach chunk in her mouth without a thought, humming happily at the taste. "How do you always manage to get peaches when they're perfectly ripe?"

Clarke stopped chopping up fruit and shot her an amused smirk. "Magic, duh." It seemed like a reasonable enough answer as Clarke approached, hardly restraining her laughter. "You're too cute when you're half asleep." Clarke continued, gently pressing her palm to Lexa's left cheek, and her soft lips to the other.

Maybe she leaned into the touch, and maybe she grinned at the kiss. And maybe when Clarke gave her a light shove towards the bathroom, she felt like she was walking on a cloud, but that full-body ache was gone, and all that was left was that sleepy daze to mix in with the happiness of Clarke being an adorable early bird.

She lazily plodded her way into the bathroom and worked through a brief morning routine that helped wake her up physically, and to the fact that Clarke was being a little more playful than usual that morning.

Lexa reached into the shower stall for her moisturizer, not wanting any part of her face to seem dry or coarse if Clarke chose to kiss it again, but the sight at the bottom of the tub had her heart feeling like a ball of shrapnel as she took an immediate three steps out as she yelled out in shock. "Ohhhh my fucking fuck!"

Her heart was thrumming in her chest and feeling like it was about to burst when Clarke rushed over, practically skidding to a stop beside her. "Lexa, what's..." Her roommate started, but Lexa couldn't look away from the tub, and apparently that was enough for Clarke to get the idea.

It was with a sense of relief that she watched Clarke grab her own bottle of hand cream and head to the tub, proceeding to smack the bottle down onto the ceramic once, twice, thrice, before reaching for some tissues.

Clarke quickly wiped the remains of the centipede away and tossed the carcass into the trash, returning to her side just in time for her to have calmed down enough to speak again.

"We need to set fire to our apartment, Clarke."

"We do _not_ need to..."

"Sometimes you have to concede a _battle_ to win a _war_..."

"It was a _single centipede_ , it probably came up the drain..."

"This is war, Clarke. You showed _true strength_ today...don't let sentiment stop you now..."

"Lexa, we can't burn our apartment building down over..."

"My _blood_ will be on your hands if we stay." Lexa asserted with a huff, arms crossing her chest, staring out into the living room. It all had to go. There could be millions of centipedes lying in wait.

Lexa did what she could to ignore Clarke's giggling, especially since it was a serious matter, but her roommate would not be denied, uncrossing her arms and pulling her into a hug that Lexa reluctantly returned, hands burning at the feel of the ultra-thin fabric covering her.

"Shhhhhh, it was one centipede. We've been incident free your whole time here, this was just a fluke. We're fine right where we are, baby." Clarke noted with all the warmth of a summer sunrise, head tilting to press a lingering kiss to her cheek again, and maybe she melted into the embrace despite her concerns.

"I'm not a _baby_ , it's a legitimate fear. They're poisonous carnivores, Clarke. And they have _too many legs_." Lexa insisted, not appreciating Clarke's teasing one bit, even if she adored being in her arms.

"I understand completely, Lexa. I wasn't calling you a baby." Clarke murmured with an odd degree of earnestness, giving her an extra squeeze before she took two steps back, standing beneath the doorway.

Free from her half-asleep haze, Lexa wondered how she'd missed the fact that Clarke was decked out in something new, this sheer lacy caftan with an equally sheer bra and high-waisted underwear that instantly had her knees trembling.

So maybe it took a moment or two for her mind to catch up with Clarke's words. "Wait, what?"

Clarke's face twisted into that frustratingly hard to read expression that was a confusing mix of softness, yearning, and sheer sadness, as if begging her to understand something, and yet believing she wouldn't. Except, Lexa wanted to understand. Desperately.

"I've got class soon. Come get breakfast when you're ready." Clarke let out quickly, cheeks blazing red as she turned and left the bathroom, leaving Lexa standing there, body aflame and mind utterly fucked as she tried to process it all.

There were centipedes in her tub

Clarke had the body of a goddess.

Clarke refused to let her burn the building down, insisting they'd be alright.

Clarke apparently _didn't_ call her a baby.

Clarke kissed her and held her. Kissed her _twice_ in short succession, which was a rarity.

They'd have to bring an exterminator in.

Her confusion over Clarke's words on made Clarke sadder. Clarke had only corrected her on one word.

Maybe it was the lingering panic from the centipede, or maybe it was the remnants of her post-sleep daze, maybe something else was to blame for not being able to wrap her head around it all. Either way, Lexa felt blood rushing through her temples as she peeked out of the bathroom just in time to watch Clarke walk around the corner into the hall with a plate of food in hand. Much less confidence in her gait, which only made Lexa feel like more of an idiot than she knew herself to be for fudging it up.

_She called me baby...the term of endearment..._ Lexa mused, the choice of language completely obvious to her now, even if the decision to use it was a little confusing. _And she seemed put off that I didn't like it...even if I didn't not like it...I just thought she was teasing me...  
_

Over the past few days, Clarke had been very hands on with a lot more touching than usual, had been entirely sweet with her words, and was utterly thoughtful in her actions. Hell, if she hadn't been Clarke's roommate for a year and a half, she would have described some of Clarke's banter as flirtatious.

Which could have just been Clarke trying to regain her confidence in her desirability, of course. But that couldn't entirely account for the disappointment written across Clarke's face, nor her hasty retreat.

"I have to finish it. Today." She muttered to herself, knowing a long overdue discussion with Clarke couldn't wait any later than when the woman would return from classes that evening.

Lexa rushed to the kitchen, plated up her breakfast, and rushed off to her room, knowing it was crunch time and there was no time to waste.

* * *

There was something entirely satisfying about finishing her midterms. Clarke was mentally wiped, but entirely pleased that she wouldn't have to write another test for a month and a half or so. With that in mind, she wanted to celebrate, but it was a day early at the very least; Lexa would still be cooped up in her room until the morning.

So with that knowledge in hand, she'd stopped off at her favourite pizza place, grabbed a small pepperoni-pineapple pizza for herself, and decided she'd enjoy a quiet night of stress release. Maybe there wasn't as much to celebrate as she might have hoped for, but she couldn't exactly blame anyone for that.

After all, it wasn't Lexa's fault for not being into her. She couldn't fault her roommate for stumbling at her come-ons and coming up with a laughably obvious way to avoid dealing with her. She just hoped that Lexa was still committed to being friends and roommates. If she couldn't be in a romantic relationship with the woman she loved, she'd absolutely still want to remain her friend. Lexa was too important to her, too special to want out of her life, and she hoped Lexa felt the same about her, even if the odds were a little worse now.

It'd been fun while it lasted, but Lexa always found reasons to avoid her. Suddenly, the whole 'celebrating' together on Friday seemed like a bit of a long shot given how badly she'd misplayed everything after that, if it already wasn't just Lexa buying herself time to figure out how to handle her.

Anya did insist that she keep it up through to the end, but Clarke could hardly imagine anything changing. If Lexa liked her, she would have reacted and done something. No one's willpower was that great.

At least, not in her experience.

"Guess I'll be letting O know the centipede I pinched from her basement didn't work out. She won't be happy she owes Lincoln twenty bucks." Clarke mumbled to herself as she tossed two slices of pizza on a plate and brought it into her bedroom, making sure to shut the door to keep from disrupting Lexa's work with her noise.

Not that she usually made much, but it didn't hurt to be polite just in case.

The day had started off rocky for sure, with her botched attempt at wooing Lexa, but after a pep talk from Anya and acing her midterm, maybe Clarke Griffin was feeling herself again. Maybe some of that confidence was back.

So maybe, after finishing her meal and putting on one of her usual playlists, she stripped down to the nude, tossed that glorious caftan on, and got comfy atop her bed. Maybe Lexa didn't desire her, but it didn't mean she was undesirable.

Clarke set up a nice comfy backrest of pillows and propped herself up against it, sinking in as she closed her eyes, her warrior queen fantasy shifting to the forefront of her mind. Once upon a time it was because the character on TV looked similar to Lexa, but it was far past that now as she imagined settling in after a long night of talking strategy.

As violent as her queen could be out in the fields, she was gentle with Clarke, lowering her onto their bed, a hand caressing her naked breast and trailing kisses down her neck. Clarke would arch into the touch, so sensitive since surgery, but her warrior would softly shush her and descend down her body. Fingers trail-blazed down the expanse of her ribs, past the dip of her waist, and settled firmly upon her hips as hot breath wafted atop her nipple.

"Please don't tease me..." She whimpered, body shivering in anticipation, every fiber in her body on edge until the tip of her queen's tongue grazed the underside of the nipple, soft lips enveloping the sensitive area and sending heat blooming throughout her body.

It usually took her a while to get warmed up, but with the days' success, the pep talk, the fancy lingerie, it all seemed to speed matters up, her body buzzing within minutes as she fantasized, her lover's talented mouth toying and teasing at her breasts, making their long day of hard work more than worth it.

Clarke was patient more often than not, but tonight she craved that closeness, she yearned for her lover's touch, and her warrior queen knew exactly how to satisfy her. She imagined her lover slipping in behind her, lips nipping playfully at her ear as a strong hand trailed down past her stomach to where Clarke needed her.

"Gentle..." She mewled, leaning into her lover's frame, letting her queen surround her, the hand at her core rubbing over her right canal with tantalizing pressure. "I need you, please..."

She could feel the gentle pressure of lips at her temple as two fingers curled up into her, setting a languid pace as Clarke waited for her body to stretch out and adjust, each light prod sending a ripple of pleasure from her core outward.

Hot breath against her ear, soft lips peppering across her cheek, jawline, neck, shoulder, it all had the air feeling electric around her with the promise of more, more. Those fingers inside her pumped away at a deliberate pace, tips finding and dragging against that blissful spot, lighting up her ilioinguinal nerve like a the fourth of July. Small fireworks budding and building towards something magnificent.

She could feel her climax coming on, her queen willing it up and up, mounting with more and more intensity as Clarke fought for breath, trembling with arousal and moaning her need into the room like...

"Clarke!" The sound of her door slamming open as Lexa yelled her name thoroughly snapped Clarke from her fantasy, fingers catching hard at the entrance of her canal as her body startled from the shock, a pained scream scorching its way out of her throat as her other hand fought to grab her bedspread and cover herself.

It didn't quite work as she planned, muscles twitching and far too excited, the blinding pain and lack of focus sending her body into a roll as she fell off the bed with a hard thump onto the hardwood floor, Clarke halfway cocooned in her duvet.

"Owww!" She cried out, pushing her focus onto the pain she was feeling instead of the situation at hand. Her head hurt, her shoulder hurt, and she felt like she just gave herself a hernia, so she desperately hoped she could just lay there in agony for a little while and pretend the world wasn't collapsing around her.

By the footsteps cautiously making their way closer, the world refused to be ignored. "Clarke? Are you okay?" Lexa's voice was smaller than she ever thought it could be, sounding like it could break with the slightest breeze or shift in the woman's vocal cords.

Her heart hurt to hear it, but she could not have Lexa in her room with her naked and just having masturbated. Too much failed enterprises in one space would be hard to take. "Can you please not be here right now?" She spoke as clearly as she could through the pain, knowing the duvet covering her head might muffle her words, and she didn't need Lexa coming any closer.

"Do you need ice?" Lexa asked as she audibly backed away.

Clarke took a moment to gently feel around the tender area, not mustering enough energy to restrain the frustrated sigh that escaped her. "I think so."

Lexa ran off immediately, and while the pain was absolutely grating and acute, she knew there wouldn't be a better time to cover up than now. Clarke struggled to her feet, needing a few moments to push herself past the searing pain in her groin as she shambled to her closet, grabbing one of the sundresses she'd forgotten to stash away for the winter. She'd just managed to slip it on along with her fluffy bath robe when Lexa practically skidded to a stop at her open doorway holding the ice bag Clarke had bought months ago when Lexa sprained her knee while trying to get two angry crows to leave their apartment.

Clarke wondered which injury would be more embarrassing between the both of theirs.

"Here's..." Lexa started, tongue swiping across her lower lip as she took a breath and crossed to room to where Clarke had carefully plopped down on the side of the bed. "Here's your ice."

She took hold of the bag and slipped it beneath her robe, wincing at the chill. "Thanks." She said in turn, looking her roommate over. Lexa's twitchiness was abnormal, but she only needed a second or two to piece it all together. Lexa always knocked unless she was too excited about something or there was an emergency. "Sorry, I'm not really in the mood or position to do any celebrating right now."

Lexa's eyes went wide for a moment, surprise quickly fading off for determination. "It's fine. I should have knocked. I _always_ knock. I'm sorry for this, Clarke."

She just shrugged, knowing it was in the past now, it couldn't be helped. "Don't worry about it. Why don't you call up Anya? It's only eight-thirty, I'm sure she'd be happy to take you out tonight."

"What are you talking about?" Lexa asked, taking a seat beside her, forcing Clarke to tilt her head away slightly, wanting some sort of distance between them, even if it was just a curtain of her hair. "I asked if we could celebrate together. It wouldn't feel right doing it without you."

"You deserve a whole lot better than celebrating with me. You finished your program...and you've got a buyer for, what, a few million? You're free now. There's a wonderful life waiting for you out there, Lexa. Don't let me get in the way." Clarke conceded, because even if she wanted Lexa to stick around, she wanted the best for her friend. And really, Clarke had been a stopgap living companion for Lexa until she finished her work, anyways. There was no reason to keep the woman anchored there with her.

She fought the instinct to lean Lexa's way when her roommate took hold of her nearest hand. "Did something happen at school? What happened to that confidence from this week? That...that caftan was really pretty."

Clarke exhaled sharply and tried to focus on just neutralizing her tone, not wanting Lexa to feel she was obligated to stick around. "It was. But no, school was fine. I'm just not really feeling it tonight...besides, it's not I had anything anyone wanted to see, and I'm not feeling great, so it made sense to bundle up."

"You were wearing it when I barged in like an asshole. What changed?" Lexa pressed, and Clarke only needed to feel the most feather light pressure of Lexa's fingers at her chin to lean away, retracting her hand from her roommate's grip. "Clarke...I need to tell you som..."

She could hear the apologetic tone and honestly knew she'd probably die if she had to endure an _'it's not you, it's me'_ speech from Lexa. Maybe tomorrow, she could endure it, but not tonight. As painful as it was to move, Clarke crawled onto her bed and sat up against her pillows, hoping Lexa would take her pained expression as a physical response instead of as reflective of all the emotions whirling in her chest.

"I know, okay? I figured it out. You don't have to tell me, or explain at length how you feel or why, alright? You don't. I don't want you to." Clarke started, meeting and holding Lexa's deep green gaze, needing her crush to know that at least from her perspective, it was alright. That so long as Lexa wanted to, they'd be okay. The way Lexa's face fell, as if she'd just been dealt a devastating blow, immediately had her trying to rally. "I don't hold it against you, I promise. I _promise_ , Lexa. I know I caught you off guard after all this time...I wasn't exactly being subtle...and I made sure to back off when I realized you weren't on board. I love you more than anyone in this world, and that doesn't change just because you see me strictly as a friend."

Clarke watched as Lexa got to her feet, eyes fluttering shut as she took a deep breath and slowly exhaled it. With more deliberation than usual, Lexa took slow careful steps rounding the bed to the side closer to where Clarke had set up, resting a knee up on the mattress. "Clarke..."

The sound of her name was the only warning given before Lexa was crawling onto the bed, hand knitting in Clarke's hair and pulling her up into a searing kiss as Lexa kneeled over her hips, the sheer yearning of it pushing Clarke past her shock, her confusion, the fact that she'd been absolutely wrong about Lexa. The thunderous beat of her heart settled out with every shift in pressure in the kiss, guiding her into a state of such relief that it was all she could do to take hold of Lexa and not do something embarrassing like let out a sob in the midst of a kiss she'd been dreaming over a year about.

Still, when Lexa pulled away, a deep need blossomed in her stomach; she couldn't help the hitch in her breath as she angled her head, chasing Lexa's lips to no avail. It was a little embarrassing to be so needy, to lose her composure, but when she saw the fresh tear tracks on Lexa's face, any worries of that fell away to just wanting to make sure Lexa was alright, Clarke lifting a hand up to wipe the wetness away as she fought for the words to express herself.

"Five weeks." Lexa let out before Clarke could, voice strained and cracking. "I've wanted to kiss you and hold you since your fifth week living with me. By the eighth week, I knew I wanted you in my life for as long as possible. I've loved you for so long, Clarke. I didn't mean to lead you to doubt yourself or give you the wrong impression."

"' _The wrong impr_ '...you practically ran away any time you saw me these past few days. Message doesn't get much clearer than that." Clarke argued as she caught her breath, letting herself sink deeper into the pillows as she let go of Lexa, renewed with confusion. "I mean...why? If you love me, why?"

Lexa slumped over to Clarke's side, curling up against her. "I was scared I'd do something I wasn't ready to do. You deserved every bit of me if my hopes and dreams about you liking me came true. I couldn't give you that if I still had my program in need of finishing touches." Lexa explained, realization flashing across her face, leading her to bury her face in Clarke's neck. "Ugh. I didn't listen to Anya. I'm such an idiot."

Clarke's brow furrowed at the mention of her friend. "Did Anya know you liked me?"

Lexa nodded against her, prompting Clarke to feel she and Anya needed to have a good, long talk. "She said she's known for months. She insisted I do what I could to finish as fast as possible...but that I spend my breaks with you and make sure you know how much you mean to me. I was...I was so scared of messing up that I focused on what I _could_ control. I'm sorry."

Honestly, the pieces started falling into place on the week's events, reminding her of Raven and Anya's first month together, and how the duo nearly broke up a number of times out of miscommunication and unwillingness to step out of their comfort zones to accommodate each other. Leave it to Anya to apply a lesson on the eve of her and Lexa getting together.

"She knew I liked you, too. Told me to show you what you'd be missing, to touch you and make sure you noticed me." Clarke added, immediately feeling Lexa stiffen against her. "I think I get it. You're a programmer. You love it. You're going to have more projects, more work that will draw you into your own space, your own head. There's gonna be times you'll be swamped and you'll only have a few minutes a day to spare. She wanted to make sure you could manage that time to bond with me. That you'll be able to find time for me when you're not able to make time."

"I just wanted to give you everything. All my focus. Not just part of it." Lexa murmured, loosely bringing an arm across Clarke's waist.

Clarke leaned her head to the side and pressed a kiss to Lexa's forehead, letting her lips linger as she thought about what she wanted to say. "I think that was the point. You can't just go a hundred percent me, and then switch it off, you know? It doesn't mean that when you're not around, that when you're working...it doesn't mean you love me less. It doesn't mean you're not living up to some standard." Clarke spoke, hoping she was making enough sense. "All I want from you is your heart, and for you to trust I'll keep it safe, just like I'll trust you with mine."

"I don't want to neglect you. I'm scared I will...I already did." Lexa's worry came out all quiet and thin as the brunette held her a little tighter.

"This week? Pshh...babe, we're on much closer wavelengths now. So long as we talk and stay synced up, we'll be fine." She noted, running a hand through Lexa's hair, hoping to reassure her that it wouldn't be a mistake. "Tell me...if you had another project tomorrow, and we were dating, would you come see me on your breaks? Would you be good with me bringing in water and snacks for you? Would you be there to wish me a good morning and see me off to bed at night?"

Lexa leaned back enough to make eye contact again, glassy green eyes staring up at her. "Of course, Clarke."

"And would you schedule some of your free time to match mine so we could spend it together?" She continued, earning a swift, firm nod. "And if I needed you, would you be there for me?"

"Always. I would always be with you, over anything else." Lexa insisted, eyes shining as if a fire had been lit in them.

Clarke brought her hand underneath Lexa's chin, tilting it up enough for her to bridge the distance and press a chaste kiss to her lips, adoring Lexa's happy sigh when she eventually pulled away. "Then baby, that's all I need to know right now. I love you, Lexa. Nothing you did this week could scare me away from you."

"Not even almost giving you a hernia?" Lexa asked with a sheepish smile, a pink tint blooming upon her cheeks.

"Pretty sure I'll be alright in a few days." Clarke answered, her smile growing as the memory of their relatively open schedules flashed across her mind. "I might need some serious TLC from my lady love, though."

Lexa propped herself up on her elbow, giving her enough height to easily brush some hair out of Clarke's face, which while not necessary was entirely sweet and appreciated. "Well, it's a good thing my schedule just cleared up entirely, then, isn't it?"

Clarke hummed in contentment, leaning into Lexa's hand as her roommate gently caressed the sore bump near her temple. "And I've only got one class tomorrow, and I share it with Octavia. I'm sure she'd give me her notes for an interesting story."

"Hrm. I never took Octavia for a romantic." Lexa mused, leaning over to press a brief kiss to her sore temple.

"She's not really, but she'll get a kick out of hearing you barged in on me mid-way through muffing myself." Clarke clarified, watching Lexa's face contort in embarrassment and resignation. "Baby, look at the bright side. I kind of totally planted that centipede earlier today, so you don't have to call the exterminator."

Lexa groaned and flopped down beside her. "I can't believe you! Centipedes are no laughing matter, Clarke!"

"I know, I know, I was desperate. I wanted to get close to you, and I knew if I startled you a little..."

"A little?! Centipedes are tiny devils, Clarke!"

"...that it'd be harder for you to run off. I wasn't feeling too optimistic about it all, so I mostly just wanted to be close to you without you rushing back to your room. I thought it might be worth it...I'm sorry for worrying you." She finished, holding eye contact with Lexa's stern gaze, waiting, and waiting, and waiting until finally it smoothed out, Lexa letting out a tired sigh.

"I guess desperate times called for desperate measures. Just don't do it again." Lexa ordered, eyebrows rising towards her forehead in clear expectation of her concession.

One Clarke was happy to oblige. "Never again, Lexa. I promise."

Lexa's relief was made abundantly clear as she sighed happily and curled up against Clarke. "So our lease is up in two months."

"Yep, another rate hike just in time for spring." Clarke added, frowning at the reminder of the ever increasing cost of living. It already wasn't fun living off student loans and commission work; another one and a half or two percent increase in rent would be that much more annoying.

Lithe arms wrapped carefully around her waist, Lexa resting her head atop Clarke's shoulder. "If we've lived together for a year and a half already, is it still U-Hauling if we get together and immediately start house-hunting?"

"Lexa..." Honestly, her name was the only thing Clarke could manage to speak at the sudden gravity of their conversation, but the way Lexa melted at the sound helped ease the tension a little. Enough for Clarke to turn on her side ever so slightly and wrap Lexa up.

"Because I really want you to be my girl, and I want to get our own place...one that can stay warm in the winter. Maybe one closer to the water, or out of town a bit? I know you're graduating at the end of the semester, so you'll be free, and I'm free, and I love you." Lexa rambled, bringing her hand back up to cup her cheek, a gesture she couldn't help but lean into.

"I love you too." Clarke mouthed, throat too clogged up with emotion to speak at the thought of them building a real home together. Not a stop-gap, but something firm and real, something that would last, and age alongside them. Clarke swallowed hard once, twice, enough to manage a few words. "I'd love to be your girlfriend."

Clarke had been immersed in the world of art since she was a toddler, but nothing she'd ever witnessed in her life could hold a candle to the beauty of Lexa in that moment, eyes shining like the dew on the first blooms of spring, smile brighter and warmer than any sunrise she'd ever encountered, just radiating bliss.

It was impossible not to kiss her.

"And...you want to find a home for us?" Clarke asked once she eventually pulled away, lips swollen and lungs entirely lacking oxygen.

"More than words can say." Lexa admitted, cheeks blooming with a rosy glow, her eyes shining with excitement. "Now tell me...does that get you into a celebrating mood, Clarke?"

With all the time spent living together, with as deep as their friendship ran, with all their shared passions and the chemistry she found undeniable, Clarke had more than a feeling that they would last. That this was the beginning of the rest of their lives together.

How could she not celebrate that?

"Well, what do you have in mind?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, I hope I've gotten Femslash February off to a decent start. Hope to have a few more things to publish this month
> 
> Anywho, hope you enjoyed!


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